some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
“I wouldn’t.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU