jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.