My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Boating season is upon us.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!