“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
New tinder profile pic
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”