[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
How I like cutting carbs
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.