Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.