Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes