Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no