Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.