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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Do not levitate over flowers
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.