1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!