Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby