Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
2022 will be better than 2021
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.