Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
BETRAYAL
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Ain’t no way
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I told my vodka about you.