Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Guantanamo Bae
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
😂💯
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?