I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.