[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater