My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*