[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
You Might Also Like
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
How software testing works
These aren’t even hard anymore.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.