“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
new record!