A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.