What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on