I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”