3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I am yelling
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
the council will decide your fate
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food