I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Single and childfree like Jesus
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.