[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.