Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You Might Also Like
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no