I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
So creative 😂
Looking at you, Jesus.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?