The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
this is the greatest thing ever
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster