Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.