Something Saturday.
You Might Also Like
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
How high do the levels go?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
BaD BoY!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.