me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?