Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.