My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.