After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
real
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
sugar glider wrangler
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.