[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
You Might Also Like
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Schrödinger’s cookie
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.