How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for