*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.