Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*puts cutlery down*
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.