Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The Birdles
I’m going to need a moment here.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.