Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The Joker was right
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
#Caturday
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
when someone rings the doorbell
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”