Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone