This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
You Might Also Like
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
me, after any kind of buffet.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself