Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Something Saturday.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
*jazz hands*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school