Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.