is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.