Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
WTF IS THAT!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
my name if I was in the mob
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.