Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT