Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
That’s incredible! 👌
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
relationship goals
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.