every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
You Might Also Like
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.